Teachable

I listened to my pastor preach this morning about humility. One characteristic he listed was, of course, teachable. I think I'm teachable. I do. But then again, I think I'm humble sometimes too...and then realize I must not be if I ever think I am. So why is it so hard?

Last week I turned 33, and I really thought (when I was younger) that by this point in my life, things would look a certain way. For example, I thought I'd be done with school...and I'm not. I thought I'd be pastoring a church...and I'm not. I thought I'd be finished struggling with lust...and I'm not. I thought I'd have a consistent daily time of family worship...and I don't. I thought I'd be back "in shape"...and I'm not. I thought I'd be financially free...and I'm not. So why is this? I think a big part of it is because I'm really not very teachable.

It may sound crazy but I really thought I'd have mastered many of these issues by this point in my life. Really! But I often feel like I'm more of a mess now that I ever was. Have I become less teachable? I'm not sure, but one thing I do know is that the things that prevent one from being teachable are more evident in my life now than ever. For example, I'm more aware of my pride. I'm constantly self-evaluating, usually in an unhealthy manner such as comparing. I think I should be one thing, or should have accomplished another (as compared to others). It's really just my pride. I think I'm so great that I should be further along in life. I wouldn't openly say that (for some reason it's easier to write it), but fundamentally that is where I am. And the deeper issue with my pride, I think, is my lack of faith. When I say that I am not somewhere that I think I should be or that I haven't accomplished something that I think I should have, I'm really doubting God's sovereign work in my life.

This past week I had a kind of pressure cooker event, spawned by a series of news I recieved and possibly by my pending birthday. I passed a coworker at work who asked, "How are you doing?" A simple question, or so he thought. I was in the pressure cooker, and so I unloaded on him. He graciously encouraged me and reminded me that either I'd royally screwed up or I doubted God's sovereignty. Maybe both. But the real issue, he exhorted, was that even if I had screwed up, I was really saying that God could not redeem my mistakes. He told me there were numerous missionaries on the field (I work for a mission sending agency) who constantly struggled with these thoughts. Their children were straying, there was little fruit in their work, there was strife on their team, etc... and they struggled with the same issues. It made my troubles seem so small. Finally, he reminded me that God wasn't finished with me. I know this, and maybe if I were more teachable I'd rest in this. But my will bucks because I'm not content. It really is an issue of my lack of faith.

And so I move on, trying to remind myself that even though I've wanted many things, either I'm not ready for these or God is protecting me from things I can't see. This isn't to make light of my inadequacies. Certainly those have to be a factor. But I long for God to move me beyond where I am so that I can be more useful to Him (or at least feel more useful). Maybe the desire to feel useful is sinful in itself (more pride). But that's where I am.