Trust

Faith is a tricky thing. It seems that no matter how firm and sure my theology is, the act of fully trusting God is sometimes so difficult. I find myself recently questioning much of what I believe. Do I simply believe that God is sovereign or do I believe (and act) like God is sovereign. It may seem like a minor distinction, but I find it a great struggle. For example, it seems that a certain situation in my life is very clear that it should change. No matter how I look at it, wisdom tells me it must change. But how do I change it, or how do I trust God to change it? In the midst of these thoughts I find my mind wondering toward questioning wisdom. If the way I think the change should happen doesn't happen that way, was I wrong to think that the change should happen?

I find myself running back to all my "Ebenezers." These are the little mental monuments that I've erected during my life where I've seen God work. I've known, in retrospect, that He indeed was working all things together for good. And I can see clearly. But my faith requires that I look forward with the same confidence as I look back. Why is that such a hard thing? God hasn't changed. His character is immutable. He is immutable. But I doubt.

One such Ebenezer occurred some 12 years ago. I found myself as a young man going through one of the toughest times in my life...boot camp. I spent 8 weeks in Navy boot camp, experiencing physical and emotional pain beyond my wildest imagination. It was during that time that my little New Testament was the kind of treasure to me that God's Word should always be. I also treasured photo copies of CD album covers with the lyrics to several Steven Curtis Chapman songs. Words like, "His strength is perfect when our strength is gone, He carries us when we can't carry on, raised in His power the weak become strong, His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect," played in my head as I carried through my days there in boot camp. I used the words to several of those songs, and the Scripture references to lead Bible studies at night. People were hungry for God. Maybe for the wrong reasons. But we were all desperate.

Upon completing boot camp I returned home for a few weeks of leave before heading off to my first duty station. It was during this time that I enjoyed my first few days of engagement to my first love. We began premarital counseling and parties. We made plans. But I knew this was not right. My family tried, lovingly, to help me see. But I was determined. On the night before I was to ship out, God worked to convict and show me in a powerful way that I must break off this engagement. I didn't want to. I didn't want to hurt my fiancée. I didn't want to face the embarrassment. I didn't want to be alone. But by God's grace, I did the right, the very hard, thing.

The next day as I headed to the airport I was numb. Boarding an airplane to fly some 5000 miles from home, where I would live and work the next three years, was a difficult thing. I flew to Chicago where I was to layover before boarding my next flight. Seeking comfort I headed to Starbucks for a cup of cappuccino and a piece of carrot cake. There was a loud group of long-haired men sitting in one corner. I purposefully sat as far away from them as I could. I was miserable. As I sat there, I noticed the group getting up to leave. I then realized that one of these faces looked familiar. Walking by me with his guitar was Steven Curtis Chapman. I hesitated, but then blurted out, "Mr. Chapman!" Walking over to me with a genuine smile, I introduced myself. I then began to recount how his music, and especially his words, had meant so much to me, especially in boot camp. I told him how his lyrics had been used to encourage me and others during this difficult time. I then found myself spilling my guts about my breakup the night before. He then asked if he could pray for me. Right there, in the world's busiest airport, Steven Curtis Chapman prayed a bold and heart-felt prayer for me. We said our goodbyes and parted ways.

As I continued the next 7 hours of flying to my destination I was in awe. Not at a man, but at a God who would send not just anyone, but just the one to encourage me. He could have sent Billy Graham or some other person that others might consider more well-known, but for me there was no person who could have ministered to me more that day. That is the God we serve, a God who orchestrates even the minutest details of life to work all things together for good.

So that Ebenezer is a reminder to me in this time that God is still on His throne. He is still in the business of shepherding His sheep in a loving manner. He is still working all things together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.