Zen Sarcasm

I got these in an email this week. Here are the ones I thought were funny:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.