Count It All Joy

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4).

This command is so much easier to read than it is to implement. This week has been one of the hardest of my life. It's only half over. I would say that it is the hardest ever, but I'm not sure that it is. I told Leslie last night that I haven't felt this low in a long time, but I do remember feeling this low just a few years ago when we were in seminary. During both this time and the time a few years back I felt a great sense of being out of control. But while in seminary, much of what we reaped was due to my failure to confront. So in part, it was because of my failure. Now, I find myself in a situation that is not the result of my failure. So therein is some hope. I have to accept this trial, and face it, with joy. I can't sulk in my failures. I can't blame myself. So this is a new lesson. As strange as it may sound, I think I tried to deal with the struggles while we were in seminary as if I controlled part of it. But here I find myself even more out of control. I couldn't prevent Leslie's cancer any more than I can take it away now.

So here I find a new test to my faith. I am now dealing with a tragedy that in no way I contributed to, except in the sense that I am one of Adam's race, a sinner. But this struggle is in no way the direct result of my sin. It has simply been allowed. Furthermore, I feel out of control in that I can't take Leslie's cancer away. I can't make the treatment any easier on her body. I can serve her, and try to make her life easier, but I can't make her body respond any differently. Herein I must trust God in a whole new way. The kind of steadfastness that's required here is far beyond anything that's ever been required in my life. And I must say that it is beyond anything I can produce in myself. I am leaning, or trying to lean, completely on God for this kind of patience. It is only by His Spirit that I can rest. Yet I find myself trying to drum up the strength to handle this myself. I am trying way too hard. And as I try, I find myself more inadequate. I thought my life was busy before: married, with kids, a full-time job, two part time jobs, trying to finish seminary, trying to get out of debt, trying to keep up a house, trying to pay bills, and remember to spray weed killer, and change the oil, and take my allergy medicine, and pack my lunch for the next day, etc... Now, life is way beyond that. So many of those things seem so trite. I can't do it all. There's really no way. So now I find myself either stressing out as I remember all the things I was supposed to accomplish today, or praying to God for the trust that I would rely on Him for the grace not to accomplish everything. That's a battle! Before, I easily beat myself up for not getting it all done. Now I know that I can in no way get it all done.  But as I learn to rely on God, I watch Him meet our needs, by His Spirit working in our lives to provide the steadfastness we need, and by His Spirit prompting others to come alongside us and help meet our physical needs. The formula sounds so easy, "count it all joy." But it is so tough.

Tonight I hurt more deeply than I ever have for Leslie. I hate what she is going through, and yet I am commanded to count it all joy. I know our suffering could be so much worse. But these are the shoes I'm walking in. So as I learn, more so this time than ever, I must count it all joy. Right in the middle of the hurt, I must count it joy. Joy in pain. Now there's something to hang your hat on.

Thanks to all who are continually praying for Leslie. Tomorrow she goes back to work. She has a load far beyond mine as she cares for so many details in her life, many of which (for the first time) now involve her. Pray for her stamina and for her joy. Pray for her body and the next round of chemo and radiation she will experience tomorrow. Pray that this test of our faith will indeed produce the steadfastness that would glorify God. Pray that His glory would shine, even when I lose my patience, revel in pity, and allow my anger to ignite. I long to be a vessel to Leslie and the kids during this time, a vessel of God's grace. I am usually not, but oh, how long to be.