Final Stretch

We are in the final stretch of Leslie's first round of treatment. This is the last week of the radiation and chemo combo. We're ready for it to be over to. I know that probably sounds silly, but I don't know how much more of this I'd care to go through. Leslie continues to lose weight, continues to struggle with side effects, and continues with the discomfort of the actual treatment. I'm tired in more ways than one. The constant stress of this situation and the ripple effects of it into our lives and the lives of our family has been wearisome. I'd say "I'm not complaining, but..." But I am. I guess I feel like being honest tonight. I sure have been a lot lately. I've ceased with the pleasantries in responding, "fine, how are you?" I guess I get kind of blunt when I'm tired. It's probably more to my detriment at home and at work. I guess I'm ready for this to be over not just to see Leslie relieved, but so that we're all relieved. I know that is selfish. It is. And it would be a lot more noble to say that I care only about Leslie. But I'm being honest. I guess that is okay.

When David was worn out, stretched to his limit, and stressed out he complained. But he always ended up in the same place...praising God. And I can say that is where God has brought me. Not instantly. You can ask Leslie because she's caught the brunt of my venting. But in the midst of my weariness I know God is at work. I know He is doing something. I was reminded today that I may never know the reason. That's okay.

Grace is one of those things I've talked about a lot in my life. It's fun to talk about. But really resting in God has been a whole other thing for me lately. When do I have time to rest? When do I have time to be still? When do I have time to be quiet? I certainly haven't taken the time. Maybe that's been my biggest blunder.

I've said it once (or twice) that God's economy is not ours. His ways are not our ways. Why would He take us through Leslie's cancer, take us through the trauma of not completing seminary, take us through one move after another, one job to the next, one church to another church? This would not be my way of working. Maybe I'll find that much of this has been due to my failed leadership, my mistakes, my lack of discipline. It's hard to sort out the difference between God leading us through trials to develop perseverance and God disciplining us for our mistakes. I wish I knew the answers. But one thing I do know...whether His testing us or His disciplining us, no mistake of mine is beyond His control. Or to look at it differently, not mistake of mine is un-redeemable. And so I come back to grace. Either way I have to come back to grace. I can't undo my seminary "adventure," my career path, or my financial decisions. I certainly couldn't stop Leslie's cancer. And so all I can do is rest in God's grace. All I can do is trust Him. I wish I could say something very eloquent, but I'm empty of words. I just don't know what God is up to. But I know that He is good, and I know that He is faithful. This is where I must rest.

Tonight, McGrooter and I read the story of the Ten Commandments. It's been fun to share this time with him, letting him read a page and then I read a page. I was reminded of how the Ten Commandments point us to our inability to be perfect as God is perfect. But that is what is required. But the Bible story pointed us at the end to Christ. In Him alone can we find perfection. It is in no way in us. We are incapable. I can honestly say that I think I would go nuts in our current situation if Christ hadn't credited me with His righteousness. I don't mean that hyperbolically. I mean I really think I'd go nuts. I have never been more appreciative for Christ's work on my behalf than in the midst of this. As I see how incapable I am, over and over again, I realize more than ever that Christ's gift to us is huge. I constantly fall short, and yet Christ hits the mark for me. I'm thoroughly enslaved to my wretchedness and yet Christ's righteousness is credited to me. I continually setup idols in seeking satisfaction, and Christ slays them. I feel completely worthless daily, and yet Christ makes me worthwhile. I don't always see it, or feel it, but yet I know it. What would I do if I didn't know these things?