Crummy Chemo

Leslie had a rough night last night. She was up until 4:30, and then slept a little bit until 7:30. Needless to say, she didn't make it to work. I stayed home to take her to the doctor to have the pump removed. We were there a while, while the nurses tended to her. They kept telling me I had to pamper her. They meant well by it, but it felt more like an attack (as if I wasn't doing enough). They gave her a flu shot too, and I got mine yesterday. I hope to not have that little bug visit our home this winter in particular.

There wasn't time to get her home and then go back and get the kids, so we stopped by on the way home and got them (a little early). We met Kristin to get Munchkin from her and then brought Les home and the kids and I went to run some errands. We had a pretty quiet evening. Leslie hasn't been able to eat much and she continues to lose weight. Her stomach and intestines give her constant grief. I'm not sure if last night was more about her colon and what has happened there in the past 3 months or the chemo and its effects on her body. And then there are all the other drugs and their effects.

Going with Leslie to her appointment today made me the saddest I've been. It is a hard room to go and spend any time in, watching cancer patients all around you, as they are administered chemo. I don't think there was anyone under 60 in the room besides us and the nurses. It was sad; strange and sad. I'm sure my emotional state is more vulnerable under the stress of trying to do everything right now, and the lack of sleep. But I was really fighting back the tears as we drove out of the parking lot. Fortunately, Leslie didn't know it and she started a conversation about something else, which helped me get my mind off of her condition.

I know all the right things to say to myself, and all the right things I am supposed to be thinking, but on days like this those seem to help so little. I am continually telling myself, "He won't give you more than you can bear," even though I feel like this is more than I can bear. I'm beyond self-pity. It's just plain and simple exhaustion and inability to change our reality. Even if I go to bed early, I wake up just as tired, or the kids get me up all night, or I can't sleep... And if I go down and exercise, and start that "routine" for the 100th time, something will happen and I'll miss three or four days and have to go through starting over again. And even if I try to take on a new project to spin out a little more cash, it will turn in to some impossible-to-solve monstrocity that I began wondering why I took it on in the first place. I know I must sound like a total defeatest. I know better and I guess I'm stupid for being this vulnerable on a blog, but that is how I feel. And there is something in the honesty of writing this that causes me to think, "I'm living what I've preached for years."

Yep, all those years I stood before youth, and later in the pulpit before young and old, I preached about trusting God, getting through really difficult stuff, dealing with major hurt, heartache, and suffering. And all the while I had nothing to complain about. Sure, I thought I'd endured suffering and hard times, but I didn't have a clue. And now I'm getting to live it, and fail through it, and see Christ (if ever so faintly). Tim Challies wrote similarly about this when addressing the questions of if/when he would write another book. He responded, "when I've lived my first one." So in a sense, I'm having to take some of the medicine I dished out to so many others, and maybe when I get to the point of not being a total nut in the pressure cooker, then I'll be ready for the next pressure pot. Personally, I'd like to just stew in a crock pot for a while. Wow, all these cooking analogies remind me, I've got a kitchen to clean and lunches to pack, and a web business to run, and laundry to do, and fish to feed, and email to check...hmmm, guess I should stuff all this back in and get back to reality.

So on a lighter note (which I need, and maybe you do too if you've read down this far)...Today, my ever-so-thoughtful friend, Van, sent me two articles that made him think of me. The first, a missions-related article, was funny. But I really wanted to see the original picture!! The second, a coffee-related article, was even funnier...and yet heart-breaking. I occasionally read Tim Challie's blog (I really don't have much time to read any blogs, let alone write my own, so it is no slight to Tim), but this post really changed my perception of him. I thought he was on target on a number of things (but certainly not everything :-), mind you). But as I learned about his position on coffee, and especially Starbucks, I found myself writing his name down on my prayer list. How could someone so perceptive be so wanting of something so foundational as a love and appreciation for man's most affordable luxury? I have no answer.

But from Tim's blog, I found myself moving to other blogs I occasionally read (which is why I usually don't start in the first place...because I realize an hour later that I've just been sitting and reading). I had to share one particular post that I read. It is one of those that is that good. And it is really not so much the post as it is the audio clip (which you must listen to in it's entirety...trust me). If you have 10 minutes, read this post by Phil Johnson, then listen to the audio.